Empty Hand, Absent Heart

It was no surprise that almost half the diamonds had fallen from the heart before I reached the end of the street, nor that many of the rest were cracking, nor that the gold had lost its dazzle.

I saw Athene, dressed as a beggar in rags on the corner, presence given away only by her startling lilac eyes which saw the expected disappointment in mine.

I lowered my head as I passed her, foolish to imagine, even for an instant, that she could not read my thoughts. Shocked I was not, but hoping I had been.

Rounding the corner, I heard her words echo in my head once again, ‘There can be no refunds.’

What did it matter?

My hand was now empty of the dazzling jewel after which I had so lusted, now lying in the goddess beggar’s empty paper cup. She could not refund, but perhaps she could mend.

I, was well aware, that I could not.

Cut by Crystals

I lost my spark in the scree
Screaming down the slag heap
Of life
With my heart in your hands
Cut by crystals
Delicately poised and ready to bleed.

No Refunds

I approached the shop with a paradoxical mixture of trepidation and certainty. The white gold heart was not heavy in my pocket; it was feather light, had lost its chain, had lost its charm, or so I thought.

A honey haired beauty stood behind the counter, filled with an array of pretty, shiny things. I looked for a short while, too short a while, before I made my selection; a larger, more dazzling looking heart, adorned with gold swilrs and diamond studded, sure to be noticed, sure to satisfy my lust for the sparkling.

I pointed at the heart, placing my own almost worthless offering on the counter before me and said, 'I'll take it. Here is my exchange.'

Athene, honey haired and luminescent gazed quizically at me with her starry lilac eyes.

'Are you certain this is what you want? There can be no refunds; not even I can grant you that.'

I nodded my agreement; perhaps it was telling that I could not speak.

With a look of sorrow, Athene made a single, deft movement, and the dazzling diamond encrusted heart was hanging resplendant around my neck.

The small, white gold heart, polished by years of caresses, had disappeared.

I walked out of the shop, smiling, but by the time I reached the end of the street, Athene's words were already ringing in my ears;

'There can be no refunds.'

A Safer Darkness

The light you shed was dim to begin with.

The passage of time only served to dull it further.

I do not need your paltry light.

I can find my way in the dark.

It feels safer, this warm darkness...

.... merely knowing that you are not encased within it is solace enough.

Gentle Passion

I would not have believed that such a phenomenon as gentle passion existed, or could exist.

I thought passion was wild and loud and all comsuming and even violent in its nature.

I was wrong.

The pleasure gleaned from this paradoxical gentle passion is sweet indeed.

Passion, untempered, is like a fiercely burning flame, sure to burn out in a matter of splendid, bone-shaking, heart-pounding moments and leave you raking the ashes of what once was.

But a gentle passion... that is something I am yet to fully explore.

May to November

I have very little grasp on what day it is of late, but what I do know is that, three days ago, six months to the day, I sat in my seat at that same table and the three other seats which had then been occupied were now empty.

I am on my own now.

A choking laugh escapes my mouth as I realise I always was.

To survey the scene one can see that there is not half so much to do now as there was then and I am older and wiser and stronger, paradoxically; easily capable of doing it all.

But there are those six tiny, speedily hoofed, almost infintesimal and invisible months bewteen what was and what is.

And they make all the difference in the world.

Cold this six months after day. No sun, like on that day. No champagne for all and shared feeling of optimism and hope.

No matter.

I shall turn on the heating.

I shall drink champagne, when there is something to celebrate.

To Get Away

You make me want to buy a one way ticket to anywhere, anywhere but here.

You make me physically shake at the thought of ending up stale and staid, here, sitting here, still here, ever here, as you have done, decade after decade after decade.

You make me want to jump into that fast car and not even consider what may lie at journey's end.

You make me want to win it all then lose it simply so that I can say that I have lived.

You make me want to push my being to the very bounds of its existence and see just how much it can take before it breaks.

You make me want to get away...

...before it's too late...

Heroism

In early morning fug, I walk in the rain and the rotting undergrowth, through the mud and the mist, but the droplets that run down my face in semblance of tears are not of self pity, or of sorrow; they are of gratititude, they clear my eyes to perceive a new reality.

Today as I walk I thank the gods that my biggest worry placing step after step is tripping into the mud and not a landmine.

I thank the stars that the most I will have to retreive is my grubby dog from a tangled thicket and not the shattered pieces of a friend from rubble and ruins.

I thank the universe that I may sleep safe tonight in my bed without fear of waking to the screams stemming from that which I have seen, and may see again.

And I thank humanity for the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood, praying that those who have the courage to stride out in faith and bravery will return to love and to light, having left a little of the same where so ever they have been.

Not Today

One day, I will wish you the best
And mean it
One day, I will wish you all the grace
And love to guide you
On your way
One day I will not hate you so
One day
But not today

One day I will replenish all the stocks
You took from me
One day, I will not begrudge you, the fine foods
On my plate
One day I will bless your stars
One day
But not today

One day I will look back on the life
We shared
One day I will not weep, when I think
Of how you cared
One day the memories that now are bitter
Will be sweet
One day, and in another place we might meet
Again
One day, it may
Be one day

But not today.